insanity's hell

also, for some reason, my brother and sister’s friends (from different schools, mind you) say I’m pretty and cool and all that shit– all because of my ability to draw, and maybe they’re fooled by my friendster pics lol. I wish they’d commission me, though. that would be more than welcome than whatever the hell they’re saying. *sigh*

Exhibit A

you think everyone likes you because you’re funny. you think people will give in to you because you look like the fucking victim. sorry to burst your bubble, but not everyone thinks you’re fucking adorable. not everyone wants to be your friend, or thinks of you as a friend. not everyone thinks your perkiness is humorous or whatever shit you think it is. sometimes you go waaaaaaay over the top. I could barely stand you when we checked out your shindig. I could barely hold back my tongue, and instead I just said I was bored and asked the others if we could go.

Exhibit B

I don’t really hate you, but I can’t bear to look at you for longer than three seconds. No really. Your beach brown hair looks effing beach brown, which I hate, and you really look like you’re trying too hard. honestly you look like a psba student trying to fit in with the atenean elites. I have nothing against psba people, but since it’s beside ateneo and I have no fucking idea how psba goes, I’m using that school.

Exhibit C

I used to like you because you kinda looked like someone that I find cute. Unfortunately, for some reason you exuded that weird confidence and you think that everything you say is funny, when actually more than half of the people find what you’re saying is not funny, but you are, because of the fucking effort you put in to sound funny, but you aren’t funny. yes, I don’t find anything you say funny. I find it bland, and trying too much. it’s even worse than Exhibit B. Exhibit B, I can tolerate for a few seconds. You, I can’t tolerate you after a few words. Even one word is enough to make me want to kick someone. Sometimes I want to embarrass you infront of everyone, but since I'm still a person of reason, I opt not to.

Exhibit D

From the very beginning I didn’t like you, mostly because of your deep voice and loud way of talking. I don’t generally hate people who talk loudly, but whenever I hear you talk since the start of the app process I hated hearing you. I hated nica the first time I heard her, bebe knows that, I told her about it while she was talking during our dokyu class, but I found out nica’s personality and I managed to ignore the voice and like her as a person. but you, nonono, I dunno but I really couldn’t tolerate your voice. You may be my friend’s friend, but that doesn’t mean I will like you too. anyway as if you care about being liked by me. I know it’s kind of unfair to not like you because of your voice or by the way you talk (and move, sometimes). if I wanted you to talk in a more subdued manner it would be like asking me to be kind and charitable and not scared of those fucking street children that look like they’re spawn of gremlins. the ugly ones.

Exhibit E

I hope you’d stop being so vain and self-shitting. To make things better, I hope you don’t find anyone.

Exhibit F

sometimes I don’t know you anymore. and sometimes I don’t trust you. which is kind of sad, because if I started not trusting someone, it's never coming back.

Exhibit G

If you kill yourself I swear you’re not going to die alone.

ten points each for anyone who guesses an exhibit right. xD

gusto kong pumunta ng japan at mag-tour. ayoko nung scholarship thingy. gusto ko, pure bakasyon. gusto ko may foster parents na magaampon sakin habang andun ako. maganda kung may anak silang hot. hahaha. pero bihira ang gwapong hapon. haaaay…

I quit.

It’s hopeless. So fucking hopeless. And I’m tired of it. Nothing’s going to happen anyway, and he’ll be gone soon. It’s just a few more months. And these things pass, anyway.

Ugh, why do I have to be so unlucky in this shit? Eversince elem it’s been hopeless. I don’t even get to have a decent guy have a crush on me. There’s one, who, they say, has had a crush on me eversince we became classmates (maybe grade 1), but he’s a pervert. He may be a genius, a walking encyclopedia, but he’s a freaking pervert who would pretend to slip and fall just to see what color your panties are. Come to think of it, maybe he’s the reason why us girls started wearing shorts under our overalls/skirts. Anyway, thankfully he moved to another school during grade 6, somewhere faaaar far away from ours. What bothers me now, though, is he’s invited me at ym, friendster, and multiply. If someone up there loves me, his obsession should be over since high school or grade 6, and this is just for contacts. Yes, I’m prone to paranoia.

Ugh. My first crush was maybe at least ten years older than me, kuya of a friend I made during an office excursion to baguio with mum. I never got to talk to him decently, I think (heck that was when I was six or seven years old, I think), and I never got to see him again. We have a picture of him somewhere, and when I last saw his face it was a wonder why he became my crush.

And then I had a male best friend during back in grade 1 and 2. I don’t even know why we were best friends. I don’t even know if we were. But we often had writing competition, to see who had the sharpest pencil, and who wrote the smallest. He was better. And he was smarter than me. I think. And he was one of the richest in the class. I don’t know why I added that. And girls said he looked cute, and actually a lot from our class had a crush on him, even those from other crushes. I couldn’t see why. And for some reason, we ate lunch together, either in our classroom or at the canteen. There was one time when I was embarrassed and scared at the same time, and I think that made me kinda conscious around him. We were eating our lunch at the cafeteria (I think my ulam was hotdog, as usual) when three of my close girl friends occupied a table near ours. They called me to eat with them, so I picked up my lunch things. But then he stopped me, saying that there was a superstition that if I didn’t finish my meal in one place, that if I transferred seats, I would break up with my future husband and have another one. Being a gullible kid (and he was smarter than me, so I trusted his knowledge more) I got scared (what the) so I remained in my seat. It was really embarrassing though, because it was then I realized I was the only one who ate with a boy, and most of my friends were with our female classmates. Sadly, when I thought about having a crush on him, he moved away when we were in grade three.

Near December of my grade three year, there was a sudden boom in beads and bead jewelry. I became some sort of a bead leader because I had the most number of beads (I dunno why though, I wasn’t interested in it at first) and I sold the most products (which they destroy to get the beads, urgh). I was working with three or four classmates and I was suddenly given the burden of having to choose whether I would tell the truth or suffer the consequences. Too lazy to move, I chose the truth. The bitches asked the most popular question in these games–  who’s my effing crush. I pointed out one of our classmates who I kinda had a crush on at that time. The bitches swore they won’t tell anyone about it, as customary of the game and as friends. Then for some reason, two of the bitches went to the guy, who was also helping out with the “business” (no, he’s 100% not gay, I assure you), and they went and chatted the whole breaktime. The girls were laughing like hell, and then to my utter surprise, one of them, the volleyball expert, suddenly shouted “Barbie, may gusto rin sya sayo!” (”Barbie, he likes you too!”) o___o Nothing else happened after that, except he gave me a necklace that didn’t fit my neck, heck it was like a choker, and we became the leaders of the christmas party thingy for our class. Now that I think about it, maybe he wasn’t really my crush afterall. It think I only chose that guy just to answer the effing question and avoid my fingers getting hurt. The ‘crush’ lasted until after grade three ended lol

Three years passed by, and we had a new classmate. I wasn’t really paying any attention tohim. Hell I didn’t look nor talk to him unless I really had to. But when we became groupmates at a music project I realized why a lot of the girls had a crush on him. But I think I had a crush on him for, like a month or something, because he really wasn’t my type, even though he’s a really purty guy.

And… I didn’t like anyone all throughout high school. I knew everyone too much and been classmates with them for too long a time that I really couldn’t have a crush on any of them.

Oh shit. I did have one. He was the son of our art teacher, and he was a medicine student at UP Manila. He often went to school to pick up his mum, and oftentimes, when I stayed up till late at school with my high school friends trying to finish a project or whatever, I would see him  play basketball with his old mother and the popular school dog that he himself saved from being a hospital guinea pig. Urgh, once more, my affinity for older guys showed up.

And then.. that bastard. Urgh, I’ve had enough of your vanity and shit. I’ve had enough time thinking. I knew  I wouldn’t do it one way or another. Good luck to you, and may you find someone who would reach your fucking standards and keep up with your self-consciousness and vanity.

Urrgh. Maybe I am going to be an old maid. D: Maybe I should’ve moved to another table, afterall.